Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
