I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize