I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You have to summon your inner elephant
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize