I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
