I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
