So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
the day after is always just damage control
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
