I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
