So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
we should paint friendship bongs
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