Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
