You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Welp...herpes.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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