Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
