saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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