her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
