Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
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