i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
