I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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