I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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