Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
