i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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