Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
