I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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