The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
