i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
It's blow job season.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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