Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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