sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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