just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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