I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
