Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize