Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
You're like the curious george of whores
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
