I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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