What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
