There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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