Im at strip club and am horny
I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
