you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Randomize
