They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
