I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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