I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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