vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
