Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
