Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
