Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
