we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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