The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
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