I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
