I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
