he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
