We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
