new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Sorry about my life...
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