Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
