I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
