does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
