I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Is Oprah even human
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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