38 yer olds are good kisserssss
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
