that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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