The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
