I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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