I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
