You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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