Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
